Friday, January 8, 2010

I kind of miss my best friend.

I kind of wish things weren't so awkward. A boy and a girl can be friends without it being complicated. But sometimes, it gets complicated just the same. You wait it out. You talk again and you punch each other in the shoulder. It's not time to punch him in the shoulder just yet. Waiting it out. I'll punch him eventually.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I remember when...

Is it accurate that I feel like using the term unseasonably cold for the weather here in Texas? It's terribly cold outside. Frankly, it's cold inside. My bones are feeling chilly.

I broke out a jacket I haven't worn in years. Perhaps the feel of cow leather and nostalgia would warm me. It does it's best to block out winter. Not so bad, but not so great either.

My hands, they go unprotected. I'm knitting them into armpits trying to catch whatever bit of warmth I can manage. It's the cold that knocks out my sense of reason and causes me to forget that jackets have pockets. Into them, my hands finally go.

A scrap of paper. No, it feels oddly different than the normal detritus that I keep there. Usually a collection of gas station receipts for cigarettes snuck while my parents weren't looking. A gum wrapper for the spearmint I gnawed on to cover it up. A ticker tape jumble of a careless youth.

No, this certainly felt different. Even with my blind and numb hands, I could feel the sharp creases of intentionally folded piece of paper.

Curiosity piques me and I dig the scrap out of the pocket. Opening the first fold I read an apology.

It's the apology of a shy young man I once knew very fondly. He's tired and the first thing he decided to do that morning was write this very letter to me. He's saying sorry about how clumsy he appeared after our first date and how even clumsier this letter appears. But, he doesn't apologize for what he really wants to tell me...that he likes me and that he'd really like to get to know me.

I'm a little giddy at finding this letter. A bit warmed even. It's the last time I remembered someone going out of there way to tell me they cared for me. That doesn't happen as often these days. But it happened once. I remember.

I'm going to be late to work.

The cupie doll says it all. Big whoops.

I've got either streaks of good luck, or streaks of bad. I'm coming off my several months long streak of bad. Coming upon the new year, things are looking a bit up. I won't dish on all the details as I'm pretty sure that's the easiest way to set me on a streak of bad luck again.

Just know, I'm just a touch giddy. The concept of breakfast in bed still boggles my mind even though it's the third time this week I've had it brought to me in slumber. I'll eventually find a way to muck it all up, but while I nurse on a mug of tea, I relish the fact that in that moment, I"m absolutely harmless and he thinks I look innocent nonetheless.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Other business...

At the very moment, I'm surrounded by what I can only call Kabuki theater meets IDM. Through a friend's recommendation, I'm listening to Drawing Restraint 9, a soundtrack drummed up by Bjork to accompany a performance art/ sculpture/ cinema piece by Matthew Barney.There's lots of wailing and synthesized woodblock. It's crazy and chaotic. I'm in love. I'm pretty sure that the neighbors aren't liking it as much. I'm also pretty sure they are under the assumption I've just staged a dramatic sepukku next door. Nevermind. I'm falling to sleep to it and wondering what the hell the dream sequences are going to be like tonight.


Who mends the losses of the Maytag repairman? On call for everyone else, but no one's ever around to repair his machinery.

Definitions and their ritual abuse....

The word merciless was penned in reference to our current situation. I think the word inconsiderate could more accurately describe the situation.

What do I know? My friend thinks he's a member of The Cutting Crew and that by tickling a knee here and there and adopting an impersonation of Goofy equally as often, I may have just died in his arms tonight.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

To be frank....

Because my name is not Frank, being friends with me can often cause confusion. To clarify, the fact that I was born with a vagina tends to cause confusion with friendships of mixed gender.

Specifically that of the sex opposite to mine.

I have made someone close to me very uncomfortable. He insists that his "flirtations" with me have led me on and he no longer feels comfortable around me. To me, his "flirtations" were on the juvenile bent. While charming and endearing to me, like a relationship with any 8th grader, harmless and non-threatening. Long and short of it, meant to be playful and fun and nothing more.

It's the classic case of miscommunication, or lack thereof. I got my feelings hurt from something I don't think he quite understands. Considering the environment and circumstance, this easily translates into perhaps a jealousy of another person present. A person of my own gender influence. It's all a muddle and that's where the current story ends.

Coming full circle, I ponder the possibility that having a penis might have made my situation run a lot smoother. To muscle it out, have a winner and let a firm handshake of reconciliation take care of the rest. Alas, I have a stupid vagina with no hopes of growing a "manhood" in any near future.