...and realize that there's no way of looking at a hissy fit without it always looking like a hissy fit. I never really regret the things I say, because there's no point in doing so. It's not like you can take it back, and when the time machine gets built to let you go back in the time space continuum to allow you to do that sort of thing, you probably wouldn't. It would be occupied with much important matters like going back to see the precise moment when the yo-yo was invented or some other nonsense like that. All I'm saying, in mere observation that sounds profound...if you spent all your time surfing around in a time machine to fix all of your life's regrets, you'd surf forever and never get back home. Ask Scott Bakula how that feels.
Anywho, looking back at the previous weeks posts, I was genuinely upset and being genuinely upset, I vented. It was appropriate at the time. It isn't now. What is appropriate now is that do some house cleaning, regrouping, and moving the fuck on.
That certain friend that frequently will show up in my posts, as he did a few nights ago when I decided to throw a verbal hissy, met me up for coffee. It's a routine. Same bat time, same bat channel. The air is different from the last week we decided to visit.
Last week, we were both very angry and frustrated and there's no way we could change the topic of conversation without it rerouting back to original starting point. Flash forward to today, and clearly, we've done our fair share of reconciliation over our personal matters and the committee has decided that everything is going to be okay as long as we put on the agenda that we are working towards making everything be okay. Sounds like a good plan.
No doubt, there will realistically be some amount of backtracking and pitfalls, but forward progression is our direction so we'll just pick up where we left off after we just ourselves off. So it is written, so shall be done.
We decided to leave on that note before any other jangle could creep into the conversation. My mind hasn't waivered since I came home. Good and good. Check and check. Day by day.
-the end-
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
In other news...
Anyone know how to get over an addiction to fountain drinks. It's seriously getting out of hand over here. I mean, I would think it was just soda, but I can put the fucking can down. And, I'll know if you cheat me by refilling my cup with a regular bottle or can of soda. But, my regular trips through the drive through or stops at the local Valero have me feeling like I made a visit to my local crack dealer instead.
It's bad folks. Seriously bad. I mean, I'd ask you to stage an intervention, but you're probably already reading this and thinking I'm ridiculous. Who am I kidding? Those of you reading this already know I'm ridiculous.
Moving on.
-the end-
It's bad folks. Seriously bad. I mean, I'd ask you to stage an intervention, but you're probably already reading this and thinking I'm ridiculous. Who am I kidding? Those of you reading this already know I'm ridiculous.
Moving on.
-the end-
More crude commentary about how I should stay away from people who've had their hoo anywhere near, in or around my own hoo ha.
I'd like to tell you that my common sense coordinates with my bullshit meter when it comes to people I've dated, but it doesn't. In reality, my brain detects the bullshit, but for lack of a better reason and nothing else to do, I go along willingly. Both participants in the game play their roles accordingly, hop in bed and give each other a few weeks to a few months after all is said and done so that we can play the game all over again. It's the appropriate amount of time that we feel comfortable in convincing ourselves that we don't really know what happened and it won't happen again...and then forget it.
You can stop telling yourself that you don't know what you were thinking, when even your mom knows what's up and she would tell you herself that it's not her first time at that rodeo...had she not birthed you from her own womb.
It's the very existence I've been living, lathering, rinsing and repeating for the last few years. As I mentioned before, it's also an existence I've grown very weary of. At the moment, I've decided to reinstall the alarm on my bullshit meter so it's louder and more obnoxious. It's not like I hadn't heard it before, but like my alarm clock, there's just so many times I can hit that snooze button before shit gets seriously annoying and I have to wake up.
I've entered phase three of break up mode. I've went from weepy and morose to temporary acceptance of life and all it's circumstance (severely abusing the phrase, "If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be...I wish him well and so be it") And now, I'm just comfortably seated at the thrown of red hot mad and not going to take it anymore. You'd think this was a minor feat bound to recycle itself. But as a woman of efficiency, I've decided to break up with all of the men of my past and present all at once.
This is where turning in my clunkers for cash takes on a grander meaning.
Yes, I'm still firm in the belief that things didn't happen weren't meant to happen. I'm just reevaluating why they weren't happening and what exactly I was waiting for to happen. Evaluation of past circumstances leads me believe I've been only waiting for the inevitable to happen. Broken hearts and frustration and quietly paying for stock in mental health and therapy. If learning to accept and tolerate and grow strong from rejection was what I wanted to gain, I'm a fucking beast. That, I'm well versed and educated in.
Now, here comes the real scary part. Healthy commitment in a strong relationship based in mutual love and affection. That, my friends, is the serious and hard core "boss level" shit. That, freaks me out to the very core and it's mostly because I have no real experience in it. How do you people handle it?
Nevermind answering that. It's about time I found that out for myself.
-the end-
You can stop telling yourself that you don't know what you were thinking, when even your mom knows what's up and she would tell you herself that it's not her first time at that rodeo...had she not birthed you from her own womb.
It's the very existence I've been living, lathering, rinsing and repeating for the last few years. As I mentioned before, it's also an existence I've grown very weary of. At the moment, I've decided to reinstall the alarm on my bullshit meter so it's louder and more obnoxious. It's not like I hadn't heard it before, but like my alarm clock, there's just so many times I can hit that snooze button before shit gets seriously annoying and I have to wake up.
I've entered phase three of break up mode. I've went from weepy and morose to temporary acceptance of life and all it's circumstance (severely abusing the phrase, "If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be...I wish him well and so be it") And now, I'm just comfortably seated at the thrown of red hot mad and not going to take it anymore. You'd think this was a minor feat bound to recycle itself. But as a woman of efficiency, I've decided to break up with all of the men of my past and present all at once.
This is where turning in my clunkers for cash takes on a grander meaning.
Yes, I'm still firm in the belief that things didn't happen weren't meant to happen. I'm just reevaluating why they weren't happening and what exactly I was waiting for to happen. Evaluation of past circumstances leads me believe I've been only waiting for the inevitable to happen. Broken hearts and frustration and quietly paying for stock in mental health and therapy. If learning to accept and tolerate and grow strong from rejection was what I wanted to gain, I'm a fucking beast. That, I'm well versed and educated in.
Now, here comes the real scary part. Healthy commitment in a strong relationship based in mutual love and affection. That, my friends, is the serious and hard core "boss level" shit. That, freaks me out to the very core and it's mostly because I have no real experience in it. How do you people handle it?
Nevermind answering that. It's about time I found that out for myself.
-the end-
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Almost forgotten, nearly always reminded.
A dear friend and I have been going through romantic woe at exactly the same time. Remembering the old adage, "Misery loves company," it's almost a bit too precious this has happened so conveniently...or rather inconveniently. However, I couldn't imagine a better partner in crime to go through this with. Said person is a good portion of my heart, and considering we went through very like circumstances, helping him mend was like mending myself. About a month later, the both of us are beginning to get back on track. In hearing him talk and sort his head out loud, he's reaching that bit of zen that registers to me he's going to be okay. I think I'm getting there, but my confidence had taken a pretty severe hit and so getting on the same page is taking me a bit more time than I imagine. Long story short, I'm getting close but I'm hardly what you considered there just yet.
In the meantime, I've spent a considerable lot of time with some wonderful company this weekend. They really do make up the rest of my heart. Getting out, having fun, not necessarily forgetting what I've been going through but giving myself a proper opportunity to take a break from it has been a tremendous load off the aching muscle in my chest. I could have spent a bit more time in that happy sort of place, but certain people and their effect on you have a way of demanding attention when they're being ignored. A certain missed phone call or message that temporarily empowers you for having ignored, will always gnaw at you moments later.
As I drift off to sleep in attempts to forget, I will be kept awake thinking about whether or not I should have ignored them altogether.
-the end-
In the meantime, I've spent a considerable lot of time with some wonderful company this weekend. They really do make up the rest of my heart. Getting out, having fun, not necessarily forgetting what I've been going through but giving myself a proper opportunity to take a break from it has been a tremendous load off the aching muscle in my chest. I could have spent a bit more time in that happy sort of place, but certain people and their effect on you have a way of demanding attention when they're being ignored. A certain missed phone call or message that temporarily empowers you for having ignored, will always gnaw at you moments later.
As I drift off to sleep in attempts to forget, I will be kept awake thinking about whether or not I should have ignored them altogether.
-the end-
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Wonderfully blissful dreams marred by reality intervening.
Did I have a good summer? For the most part, yes. Would have kept enjoying it and really develop a taste for it if the means by which I could entertain myself (the harsh reality that money makes the world go round and my dead end job is what keeps my particular world spinning on its axis) wasn't desperately running low. So, regretfully, I returned back to school.
Best and worst choice I ever made was taking a full day off yesterday for my birthday. I spent the whole day watching movies, eating junk food, moseying about the city and disconnecting from the media devices I've becomes so attached to so that I could appreciate even more. Ah, such a wonderful wonderful day. That was the best part. The worst part...that it was yesterday and today paled in comparison to yesterday.
Phasing back to reality is taking a little longer than usual this year, as you may be able to tell.
I'm at home tonight walking a few blocks of memory lane. Did I do all I want to do this summer to satisfy spending 10 months of waiting until I can live it up as a "free woman" again? I don't know just yet....I'm still in that phase of shock that my summer is over. I drove through downtown after work this afternoon silently cursing at people who appeared to not have anywhere like work to go to. Jealously of a temporary carefree existence that they have an extension on surged through my veins as I remember mine has been ripped away from me as of this Monday. I doodled sandbuckets and shovels repeatedly in my notebook during endless hours of inservice meetings, despite having no interest of going to the beach or seasides during my summer breaks. I spent one day out of this whole summer in any form of water other than a shower, but I'd spend a whole week in stagnant public pool water if it meant I could live wondrously amongst the land of the living again for a few moments longer.
Oh, I cannot say that summer didn't have it's woeful moments. There were the moments of complete and absolute boredom when I didn't really have anything to. There were the failed summer romances that I lived and had to recover from in the same breath. There was the lack of financing to allow me to truly live things up.
But there were all the delightful moments that I can remember as well. The nights staying late with friends talking about nothing. There were the nights where the air was just cool enough to sit on the roof of my car and listen to soundtracks I spent the whole day making for moments like those. There was the wandering aimlessly through downtown streets observing the city I live in. There was the moment I remember stealing a kiss on the middle of South Congress at 3am in the safety of knowing no one would be passing on that street in the middle of the night on such a day like this. Because normal people would be asleep and hours ago, they'd gone to bed in preparation for a job that would awake them in the morning.
It's the same sort of existence I've returned to myself.
Yes, oh yes. I think I really enjoyed the summer to the fullest of mine own expectations. I'll take that good despite that bad and daydream about its loveliness until I can revisit those moments again.
-the end-
Best and worst choice I ever made was taking a full day off yesterday for my birthday. I spent the whole day watching movies, eating junk food, moseying about the city and disconnecting from the media devices I've becomes so attached to so that I could appreciate even more. Ah, such a wonderful wonderful day. That was the best part. The worst part...that it was yesterday and today paled in comparison to yesterday.
Phasing back to reality is taking a little longer than usual this year, as you may be able to tell.
I'm at home tonight walking a few blocks of memory lane. Did I do all I want to do this summer to satisfy spending 10 months of waiting until I can live it up as a "free woman" again? I don't know just yet....I'm still in that phase of shock that my summer is over. I drove through downtown after work this afternoon silently cursing at people who appeared to not have anywhere like work to go to. Jealously of a temporary carefree existence that they have an extension on surged through my veins as I remember mine has been ripped away from me as of this Monday. I doodled sandbuckets and shovels repeatedly in my notebook during endless hours of inservice meetings, despite having no interest of going to the beach or seasides during my summer breaks. I spent one day out of this whole summer in any form of water other than a shower, but I'd spend a whole week in stagnant public pool water if it meant I could live wondrously amongst the land of the living again for a few moments longer.
Oh, I cannot say that summer didn't have it's woeful moments. There were the moments of complete and absolute boredom when I didn't really have anything to. There were the failed summer romances that I lived and had to recover from in the same breath. There was the lack of financing to allow me to truly live things up.
But there were all the delightful moments that I can remember as well. The nights staying late with friends talking about nothing. There were the nights where the air was just cool enough to sit on the roof of my car and listen to soundtracks I spent the whole day making for moments like those. There was the wandering aimlessly through downtown streets observing the city I live in. There was the moment I remember stealing a kiss on the middle of South Congress at 3am in the safety of knowing no one would be passing on that street in the middle of the night on such a day like this. Because normal people would be asleep and hours ago, they'd gone to bed in preparation for a job that would awake them in the morning.
It's the same sort of existence I've returned to myself.
Yes, oh yes. I think I really enjoyed the summer to the fullest of mine own expectations. I'll take that good despite that bad and daydream about its loveliness until I can revisit those moments again.
-the end-
Monday, August 17, 2009
Seeing elephants makes me giddy. I heart my friends and their willingness to indulge my absurdities.
A very near and dear friend of my called me see what I was up to and "if I wanted to do something." Doing "something" usually entails that I meet him up at a certain local coffee shop that's 24hrs that hardly anyone knows about (and, I'd tell you what that place is, but I like that nobody knows about it. So, there.) and we talk aimlessly and pointlessly until we both tire ourselves despite the copious amounts of caffeine we've just drunk. It was what I had planned to do as normal until shortly after getting off the phone with him to get ready, the news reports presented a fine piece of media tidbit.
At 11:30 pm, The Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus were coming into town and the elephants would be let out for a walk over near Bolm and Springdale. Your plans change considerably when you are provided with such wonderful information.
Totally on.
What makes life interesting sometimes is when you make plans and you force friends to just go along with it without telling them what they are in store for. It tests their loyalty to you, and it provides you with telling information about what your friends think of you and the type of stuff you're willing to subject others to as they try to figure out what the hell you're up to.
Needless to say, I didn't tell my friend Dave that we were going to see elephants.
He went through a round of guesses and I believe he truly considered that we were about the embark on an adventure that would lead to both of our arrests. Unfortunately, he somehow managed to guess what we were about to do at the last minute. This became a disappointment for both him and me...because compared to the excitement of being apprehended, seeing elephants get off a stupid freight train sound pale in comparison.
But we went anyway, and you know what? When you see live elephants...freaking huge as life pachyderms...get off a train and politely hold each others "hands" waiting for their next destination as if waiting casually for a bus, it's pretty damn amazing. And shortly thereafter, I stood there in complete awe of these massive beautiful creature as I turned 29 years old.
Best birthday present to myself ever.
-the end-
At 11:30 pm, The Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus were coming into town and the elephants would be let out for a walk over near Bolm and Springdale. Your plans change considerably when you are provided with such wonderful information.
Totally on.
What makes life interesting sometimes is when you make plans and you force friends to just go along with it without telling them what they are in store for. It tests their loyalty to you, and it provides you with telling information about what your friends think of you and the type of stuff you're willing to subject others to as they try to figure out what the hell you're up to.
Needless to say, I didn't tell my friend Dave that we were going to see elephants.
He went through a round of guesses and I believe he truly considered that we were about the embark on an adventure that would lead to both of our arrests. Unfortunately, he somehow managed to guess what we were about to do at the last minute. This became a disappointment for both him and me...because compared to the excitement of being apprehended, seeing elephants get off a stupid freight train sound pale in comparison.
But we went anyway, and you know what? When you see live elephants...freaking huge as life pachyderms...get off a train and politely hold each others "hands" waiting for their next destination as if waiting casually for a bus, it's pretty damn amazing. And shortly thereafter, I stood there in complete awe of these massive beautiful creature as I turned 29 years old.
Best birthday present to myself ever.
-the end-
Friday, August 14, 2009
"I gave fair warning that tonight would not turn out like you expected it would."
Tonight, I got dragged to the opening of a new Westin Hotel in downtown Houston. I do not have enough fingers or toes on my person...on your person...on the person of all of my friends combined to count the number of things I would have rather done tonight. But, as a favor to a friend who needed a little more organized fun and excitement cum free drinks, I went. Needless to say, I ended having spent more money on this evening and not one of my drinks was comped. I did however, leave a good smudge of dirt and grass on those fancy Westin sheets as jumped on their fancy overpriced beds with my heels on.
Still, that sort of satisfaction barely covers one of my paid drinks.
A word to the wise...don't ever let an invitation to any sort of grand opening of any kind convince you that you are going to have a good time or that you are special. An appearance only to said event only demonstrates how much of a glutton for punishment you are. Suckers are a dime a dozen and you and the rest are now standing in line for a free drink that will never come.
We did, however, go to a lovely dive bar called Kay's Place I ended up thoroughly enjoying. I could take off my heels, swill a few Lonestars, and talk shit and rabble rouse to much saner folk who realized paying 3 bucks for a pint is a price worth paying considering what you have to go through freely for "free".
-the end-
Still, that sort of satisfaction barely covers one of my paid drinks.
A word to the wise...don't ever let an invitation to any sort of grand opening of any kind convince you that you are going to have a good time or that you are special. An appearance only to said event only demonstrates how much of a glutton for punishment you are. Suckers are a dime a dozen and you and the rest are now standing in line for a free drink that will never come.
We did, however, go to a lovely dive bar called Kay's Place I ended up thoroughly enjoying. I could take off my heels, swill a few Lonestars, and talk shit and rabble rouse to much saner folk who realized paying 3 bucks for a pint is a price worth paying considering what you have to go through freely for "free".
-the end-
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