I'd like to tell you that my common sense coordinates with my bullshit meter when it comes to people I've dated, but it doesn't. In reality, my brain detects the bullshit, but for lack of a better reason and nothing else to do, I go along willingly. Both participants in the game play their roles accordingly, hop in bed and give each other a few weeks to a few months after all is said and done so that we can play the game all over again. It's the appropriate amount of time that we feel comfortable in convincing ourselves that we don't really know what happened and it won't happen again...and then forget it.
You can stop telling yourself that you don't know what you were thinking, when even your mom knows what's up and she would tell you herself that it's not her first time at that rodeo...had she not birthed you from her own womb.
It's the very existence I've been living, lathering, rinsing and repeating for the last few years. As I mentioned before, it's also an existence I've grown very weary of. At the moment, I've decided to reinstall the alarm on my bullshit meter so it's louder and more obnoxious. It's not like I hadn't heard it before, but like my alarm clock, there's just so many times I can hit that snooze button before shit gets seriously annoying and I have to wake up.
I've entered phase three of break up mode. I've went from weepy and morose to temporary acceptance of life and all it's circumstance (severely abusing the phrase, "If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be...I wish him well and so be it") And now, I'm just comfortably seated at the thrown of red hot mad and not going to take it anymore. You'd think this was a minor feat bound to recycle itself. But as a woman of efficiency, I've decided to break up with all of the men of my past and present all at once.
This is where turning in my clunkers for cash takes on a grander meaning.
Yes, I'm still firm in the belief that things didn't happen weren't meant to happen. I'm just reevaluating why they weren't happening and what exactly I was waiting for to happen. Evaluation of past circumstances leads me believe I've been only waiting for the inevitable to happen. Broken hearts and frustration and quietly paying for stock in mental health and therapy. If learning to accept and tolerate and grow strong from rejection was what I wanted to gain, I'm a fucking beast. That, I'm well versed and educated in.
Now, here comes the real scary part. Healthy commitment in a strong relationship based in mutual love and affection. That, my friends, is the serious and hard core "boss level" shit. That, freaks me out to the very core and it's mostly because I have no real experience in it. How do you people handle it?
Nevermind answering that. It's about time I found that out for myself.